Mary Girls

All of us know of Peter payans. Peter’s feminine equivalent Mary is not that well known. Heck, it is not used at all in common lingo. I came to know of it when I was perusing a list of Madras Bashai words here. It triggered an urge to blog about Mary girls. I have been convent educated (that phrase used to make my Paati proud) for over 10 years. So I have all the authority to write about Mary girls who put scene, who use butler English, who are wannabe aapa-kaari’s and who want to marry rich. No wrong in any of the above. In fact, it’s a great source of amusement to observe their habits and to make fun of them. Continuing in that vein, here are Ten Commandments to become a Mary girl, for the sake of our female blog readers.

Commandment Ten

Thou shalt always have your hair stick straight or in artificial curls

The natural look is so passé. If you have inherent curls, straighten them and deprive them of their innate beauty. If you have straight silky hair that makes people go wow, declare your love for curls and go curl your hair. It’s a sin to have your hair not done.

Commandment Nine

Thou shalt not tie your hair

Blasphemy! Even if you do wear a ponytail, make sure there are stray strands falling all around your face. Your bangs should obstruct your vision. Your hair should never be cut even. Do not follow any kind of symmetry. It angers the gods.

Commandment Eight

Thou shalt carry a bag that resembles a sack

Remember Santa’s sack full of goodies? That is the kind of bag you should trudge along. And trudge it along with panache you should.

Commandment Seven

Thou shall rot in hell without Vaseline

Vaseline is your way to salvation. Your pouting lips should always be lip-balmed. Your skin should always be moisturized and toned and cleansed. A little tan or a little of flaky skin will land you right in hell.

Commandment Six

Thou shalt always smell like a cedar

Don’t be stingy with that deodorant. Follow it up with a body spray. Follow that up with an eau de toilette. And that should be followed by an eau de perfume.

Commandment Five

Thou shalt swear twice in every sentence you speak

Call every girl a bitch. Or a “biatch”. Address other women as females. Sprinkle the F-word generously amidst your phrases. Curse and admonish every time anything happens. That should be your way of life.

Commandment Four

Thou shalt colour your nails blue

Or green. Or bright purple. Or blood-red. Look like a witch. Behave like one too.

Commandment Three

Thou shalt dress like a gypsy

Wear beads. Lots of ‘em. Jingle and jangle as you move. Wear yellow framed coolers. Perch it up on your straightened and coloured hair. Pierce your ears four more times. My dad calls such species kuruvi kaari.

Commandment Two

Thou shalt sound as dumb as you possibly can be

Make everyone tell you things twice. Go “Oooh..” and “Aaah…” and “Sheesh!” and “Oopsie!” when you want to exclaim. Exhibit a lot of PDA’s. Cling to one and other and hold hands always. I know how this sounds…but this is really how it is!

Commandment One

Thou shalt marry rich

What is a Mary girl without her iPhone, or her pompous Yash Chopra type wedding? Strive to maintain your same standard of living by making others pay for you. That, my friend, is the true trait of a Mary girl.

With this post, Lady Kedi is going on vacations this summer. She’ll be back a little later. Meanwhile, wish her happy vacations and y’all have happy vacations too!