Hate this on Facebook

March 27, 2011

I do not have anything against Facebook. I am neither an extremist who denounces social networking nor a Facebook junkie who needs to spend 10 hours stalking online profiles. Nonetheless, I cannot stand the people belonging to the latter category. Out of joblessness, here is a countdown of ten things that I find meaningless and equally irritating on Facebook.

10. Un-tagging Photos

Granted everyone cannot look good every time a photo is taken. But photos in which you look horrendous are always more memorable. They are a lot of fun to see and recount. Plus, everyone is sick of looking at your 100+ photoshopped poses that would have been your claim to fame. Pity you don’t get paid for all the modeling you’ve been doing.

9. Random “like”s

So you did not get paid for your photo shoot. But hey, 354 people have liked your photo! If that doesn’t make your day then what does. The icing on the cake is the comments:-

Hey you look cute ya

Beautiful photo di

And the omnipresent “Awesome pic” which cues that you should comment the same on the photo of the person who commented on yours.

The like option for every comment does not make things better. Or simpler. Next to attention seekers with atrociously photoshopped/picasa-ed faces, this option has given rise to attention seekers of a worse kind: Whose comments get the maximum number of likes?

People call me jobless!

8. Love digging your nose, then Like this!

Facebook has also given rise to a number of sleazy sites that list an even greater number of dumb scenarios which you can “like”. What useful outcome, you may ask. Just letting the world know more about me, they will say. Who wants to know, I ask. Profile stalkers and people who have crushes on them, I answer myself.

7. Professor Lykeet’s Research Group on Facebook

I will never understand this. Just when I was getting convinced that this Professor in a leading American University was just the person I’d like to work with, I noticed in the corner of his official Research Group website – a smallish chicklet urging me to like his work, on Facebook! I have not gone back to that page ever since.

6. Happy Birthday Mommy

Why would people want to wish their parents on Facebook when:

They must have met them just 2 minutes ago, in all probability when the parent was yelling at them to get off Facebook.

They live together and the whole world knows about it.

The parent in question never checks their Facebook account and has to be notified by the son/daughter that they have been wished on Facebook.

Here is a sample:

The extent people go to show their parental love.

5. Wilting crops and dying fish

It is best that I do not get started on this. Just five words – “I don’t give a damn”.

6. Daily Horoscope

The most irritating application people can ever use. These always talk about lost love or your waiting soul mate. And they flood your wall. Just so people using it get on your nerves to the largest extent possible, they tag you too. So you get “Warne’s Fire Ball” or “Astrologer Anita’s Prophesy” and get your very own photo of a “Friendship Tournament” – your “best friend” being the person who has “liked” your updates the most.

5. Arbitrary Statuses

People love to kindle your curiosity. Gossip gets around faster that way. What better way to do it than a random meaningless status update that does not make sense to anyone? Typical examples:

“Eeeee”

“Brrrr…”

“So happy!”

Sure comment fetchers, these.

4. The Update Glut

Certainly you know that person who has to keep updating all his life’s happening? From traffic in Thiruvanmiyur to a dead rat on their terrace, the world should know what’s up with them. In the case of a very un-happening day, they resort to animated gif images and slightly funny YouTube videos to keep the waiting crowd updated.

3. Hokey-Pokey

What these pokes signify will remain an eternal mystery to me. Maybe I am not sophisticated enough to understand their relevance. The last time I saw people poking each other was on Love Aaj Kal. I did think it was cute, but I don’t seem to be able to draw parallels between all the anonymous pokes I get and what Imtiaz Ali showed me. Anyway, I try to play along and poke the pokers I know.

2. Reply S’il-Vous-Plait

This was one of the things I liked about Facebook. Liked. Of late, people start an event for any reason! These should drive home my point:

1. E-mail? What’s e-mail?

I cannot imagine not opening my Gmail account the first thing when I come online. I thought this was normal behavior, until I started spotting conversations like these with increasing frequency:

Attention seeking disorder? But isn’t Facebook’s raison-d’etre to pander to attention seekers? Please enlighten me, you Facebook folks!

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Now that a cousin has declared that he has taken up atheism and will not be specific about even the nationality of the girl he is going to marry, my Mom has come to believe that it is incumbent upon her to prevent me from doing the same. Of late, she grabs every opportunity to emphasize her stand, especially when I comment within her earshot that I find some guy cute.  A typical conversation goes like this:

En di, US laam pona edhavadhu vella kaarana love pannida maata la?

Pona pathukalam Ma.

Adhuku illa, avanoda culture laam namaku othu varadhu. Enna dhaan love pannalum Indian payanaa pathu love pannu!

Seri Ma.

Indian na kuda, non-veg illama pathuko. Aparam unaku dhaan kashtam. Naa solradha soliten.

Hmm seri.

Pinna Brahmin payan dhaan. Tamil payana irundha dhaan relatives oda laam nanna pazhaga mudiyum. Unakum Hindi laam dhaan onnum theriyadhe!

Seri!

Iyer na best di. Thatha paati laam onnum solla maata! Elders blessing romba important in life!

Hmm.

Mukyama, love panrathuku minadiya gothram ketudu di! Ore gothram na anna mari, theriyum la!

Yeah ok.

Apdiye vathima na romba sandhosham. Vadama kuda ok…aana…vathima va pathukoyen…

Whew, seri.

Payan poorvigam very important! Kumbakonam, Thanjavur elaam romba aacharam di.

Neeye payana pathuden Ma, pesaama.

Naan dhaan paaka poren! Aanalum love pana pora nu vechukoyen, idhelaam just consider.

So much for giving me the choice and the freedom to love someone!

As an extrapolation, here is a flowchart of how I should go about (or how my Mom will go about) choosing a groom for me.

No surprise if I die a spinster, eh?

It all began…

March 15, 2011

…when I googled Sudhish Kamath a couple of years ago. I loved his humour and wanted to see how he looked. My curiosity was piqued even more when one of my classmates in Alliance Française was his colleague at The Hindu! To see her answer his calls and talk to him led me to imagine him to be some kind of a Chandler Bing. So yeah, I googled him. Only to find his blog. And the “He says, She says” column. And I was hooked. I meticulously stalked Textual Overtones. Read many of his reviews over and over. As apparent as it seems, I had a major crush on him. This went on for quite a few months by which time he started making That Four Letter Word. His blog was not updated for a long time and his reviews only occasionally appeared in The Cinema Plus. It was natural that I lost interest and gave up stalking his blog.

Fast forward to when Google Buzz was introduced. I was interning in IIT that summer, along with a few guys from NIT-Trichy. I always had Gmail open along with MATLAB. It so happened that a classmate had posted the famous Deviance post from Chutneycase on gBuzz. I warily opened it to get rid of the unread count. I ended up reading Coconut Chutney for the next few hours. And again, my curiosity was piqued. Who was this girl? She must be 20-ish. She wrote smart. She did not sound wannabe. And importantly, her writing had an earnest feel to it. After a few google searches, I got to know more about her identity. From then on, Chutneycase was placed beside Sudhish’s blog in the Lady Kedi hall of fame. I showed the NIT guys the blog. In return, one of them said he had come across a better blog. Better than Chutneycase? Bah! I scoffed. What’s it called, I asked him. “It’s called…umm…wait, I’d rather send you the link.” It turned out to be Krish Ashok.

Unlike what you may expect, I was not much impressed by what he wrote when I first saw his blog. I did not like its name. For me jalsa and jilpa were words used by KD boys. Add gilma and matter to it and you could remotely empathize why I did not like what I saw. Moreover, his latest post then was “Kentucky Fried Creation”, which I thought was too long, too sarcastic and too full of pictures. I made the mistake of judging him by that one post. After a few months, I came across Jalscifi on Facebook. And after that, I almost deified Krish Ashok. I suggested anyone who’d listen to me to read his blog. I even showed my Mom what he wrote about his wedding (and she was not pleased). What started out as adulation morphed into a full fledged crush once he started Parodesy Noise. I know he is over 30. I know he is happily married. I know that he doesn’t even know that I exist. But then, a crush is a crush. Happens a lot when you have never had a boyfriend.

Before I digress further, I should probably account for why I took up blogging. It’s simply because I got bored of stalking other people’s blogs. Partly because I don’t know how good, or how bad I am at doing this. Maybe Lady Kedi will be read a lot. Maybe she’ll give up later. Hypothetical thoughts apart, there are three people behind the screens who have convinced me that I should blog all the time I kept vacillating. Firstly, low-funda-boy for hyperbolizing my writing skills enough to get me started. And to Karthik, to have always given me the much needed push every time I had a block (which was almost always). The blog name was his suggestion and I would have never named it anything else. Then thanks to Scarecrow, for listening to all my stupid ideas, helping out with the design and for believing I’ll be good at this. Now, just watch this space and wait for KD posts. Lady Kedi will tend to disappoint. Up to you to put up with her!