Suicide

June 3, 2011

From what I have observed, it is suicide to utter certain sentences because you are living in the 21st century, in India and in Chennai. What follows are glares, swears and vigorous shaking of the head – something must have gone wrong somewhere. If you aren’t sure what I am talking about, think of how you’d react to a person if he told you these:

“I do not follow cricket”

Cricket is a religion. Cricket is sacred. Cricket is omnipresent. It is sacrilege to not like cricket. It becomes analogous to a cold blooded murder to find it boring. There is nothing such as too much cricket.

And if you are living in Chennai and you do not support the Chennai Super Kings, you would be the victim of cold blooded murder. Now, do not tell me that I have not warned you!

Unfortunately, I belong to both these categories.

“I do not dig Facebook”

You need to have been born some 25 years earlier with your Mom and Aunt who are on Facebook without knowing how to use it. My grandmother has joined Facebook and plays Poker with her second standard class mate. Don’t be a disgrace to our generation

“I am not on Twitter”

What? How can that be? You cannot think of anything witty? At all? You do not text always? Ever? Shame, again.

“I like Ilayaraja more than AR Rahman” or “I do not like AR Rahman”

Ok, Ilayaraja is Maestro and Rahman is just Mozart. But don’t you ever belittle him! We grew up listening to him and if you’ve grown up listening to Raja that talks a lot about your age. And if you like Deva the most, I appreciate your eclectic knowledge in music varying from Arabian folk to Lebanese classical.

 “I do not wear Jeans”

If you are a guy, just know that you do not have enough reason to continue living anymore. If you are a girl, I suggest you at least dress to be a thiruvizhaa figure. You know, the ones that wear jeans, a loose multicoloured top with Jimikis and orange Kanagambaram poo on plaits well oiled and tightly combed. Also, over talcum powder. Pliss to be wearing jeans you folks.

“I do not know how to ride a bike”

If this is the case for guys, then forget wooing girls or getting yourself a girl friend. Don’t embarrass yourself more by justifying that you can still ride a TVS – 50 or a Scooty Pep Plus.

“I do not have a Gmail account”

I just hope you have no reason to tell this out aloud. I also hope that you do not use Rediff mail or Bol messenger.

“I watch Sun Music in my free time”

Clean suicide. You like the anchors? Then clean samaadhi.

“I am a stickler for good grammar”

You won’t survive in the Tanglish world of today, anyway. Pity you weren’t born in the early 1900’s. Pity we have to put up with you and your craziness.

“I hate masaal dosa and filter kapi”

Avana nee? Go drown yourself in your Vegetable Makhanwala and Lassi.

And I could go on and on. I belong to a handful of these categories myself. There is a bit of every one of us here. Hope you had a good read.