Every time we turn the newspaper around we have Arindham Chaudhary beckoning us to join his world class B-school that easily beats the IIM’s in campus placements and in international exposure. Every time we hear of new engineering colleges springing up, we wonder what possibly makes them name their college that. Engineering colleges are named after all gods, all industries, all communities, all castes and all religions. Now is the time when all the 12th graders frantically look for ads and look through brochures of every possible college that offers a degree in engineering. Here is an advertisement for Sri Lord Labak College of Engineering founded by Sir Sri Vijaya Thesiga Rajendar that promises so many things that are out of the world. Literally.

Thanks to Mickey for the help with Photoshop.

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Family

May 24, 2011

“Namma Lalitha indha varshathoda Engineering mudikaralo?”  asks Pattu Manni.

[“Isn’t our Lalitha finishing her Engineering this year”]

“Ama Manni, Naalu varsham odi poiduthu.  Leading software company la place aayruka” , Amma replies.

[“Yes Manni, 4 years have flown by. She is placed in a leading software company”]

“Besh. Rendu varsham vela panatam. Next kalyanathuku paaka aarambichudalaam”.

[” Great. Let her work for two years. We will then start looking for a groom for her.”]

***

“Ipo dhaan Lalli porandha mari iruku, adhukulla iruvadhu vayasu aayduthu paaren” says Ambi Mama.

[“It seems like Lalli was born just now. She has grown to be 20 already.”]

“Ama Mama, years have gone by fast” replies Appa.

“IIT la M.Tech Program. Best for her. 2 years padichu mudicha jammunu vela kedaikum. Apdiye kalyanamum panidalaam”

[“IIT la M.Tech Program. Best for her. After two years of studying she’ll get a very good job. We’ll marry her off as soon as she starts working.”]

***

“Lalli padichu mudichuta la?” enquires Paddhu Perima.

[“Has Lalli finished studying?”]

“Indha varshathoda mudikaraa” answers Amma.

[“She is finishing this year.”]

“Namma Prema naathanaar oda machunan payan Venkat, CA mudichutaan. Karaikudi la vela. Nalla varan. Vitudadha”.

[“Our Prema’s sister-in-law’s brother-in-law’s son Venkat has finished his CA. He works in Karaikudi. Its a very good match. Don’t miss the opportunity.”]

***

“Illa, ava America poi mela padikanam nu solara…” informs Amma to all.

[“Actually, she wants to go to America and study further…”]

“Enna MS ah! Naapadhu laksham aagume!”

[“What MS ah! It will cost you 40 lakhs!]

“MS illa PhD. Fully funded…”

“Solrom nu thappa nenachukaadha Ramani, Indha PhD laam namma family ku othu varadhu!”

[“Don’t think of us in the wrong way just because we are pointing this to you, Ramani. This PhD and all won’t set right for our family!”]

“Unga thanga payan PhD dhaana panraan Manni?” Amma catches the point.

[“Your sister’s son is doing his PhD only no Manni?”]

“Payan avan. 28 years varil padikalaam. Ipo post doc kuda dhaan padika poraan. Iruvathi ezhu vayasula Lalli ya yaaru kalyanam panipaan?”

[“He is a boy. He can study till he is 28. He is going to do post doc also now. Who will marry Lalli when she is 27!?”]

“4 year course nu ava solra…”

[“She claims it is a 4 year course.”]

“Apdi dhaan elaarum solluva. Indha research elaam velaiku aagadha samacharam. En di, nee dhaan un ponnu kitta eduthu sollanam!”

[“That is what everyone will say. This research and all never works. Why, you should only tell your daughter that!”]

“Padikaren nu solra…padikatame…”

[“She says she wants to study…let her study…”]

“Pinna epo kalyanam panradhu?!”

[“Then when will she get married?!”]

The unanswered question for all in my family.

Ever wondered why girls go “Cho chweet” every so often? Ever wondered what triggers them to howl “Aww”? Personally I believe them saying two normal words in such an extraordinary fashion is primarily to attract interest to their own selves. This has worn off, of course (with guys getting disillusioned and all that) but this has now shifted to even the non-fairer sex. It now probably means something like how many pictures do I have to comment before you’re going to comment similarly on mine/ how many do I have to comment on before I steal someone away from you. Such evil designs, where are the simpler times? So, Satiish and I have come up with a list of observed behaviour that seems to be the in-thing amongst most females these days which seem to have no rhyme or reason whatsoever.

 7. Too Many of those damned Smileys

This I’m pretty sure is a bit controversial, but there is a limit for everything. I’ve known people who get a full message only consisting of a number of oddly ordered smileys, which may mean anything from I’m deeply in love with you to I hate you, plain and square. Confusing eh?

 6. Machi

When and why have girls started calling each other Machi? My 10th standard cousin uses this word extensively. Such is the epiphany of the word. One small suggestion, why not Machini instead of Machi. For that is what is grammatically and politically correct. Surely in a while there are going to be Magalir Sangams up in arms fighting for such female rights.

 5. Cho chweet

Oh, we are 3 year old toddlers. We cannot pronounce So or Sweet. These overgrown babies seem to have the mental maturity of the infants they mimic when they go “Choooo cute” at most things they come across.

 4. Cling unto me, and you shall be salvaged.

These types just have to cling on to you when they talk, walk, eat and sleep. They are leeches incarnated, holding on to your elbows to make their point. The worse of this kind yell into your ears while holding on to your hands. If you haven’t met one of these specimens, think of yourself as blessed.

3. Awwwww

These are members of the Cho Chweet sorority. They need to make the Aww howl every time they see anything remotely cute. Wolfish, I know.

 2. Self Photography

This is all over Facebook. Remotely pretty girls photographing close ups of their remotely pretty faces, saturating the colours, photoshopping it to death and publishing the photos online only for other girls to say “Cho pretty” or go “Aww”.

 1. Hugs and Kisses

What is with hugging others bye? This surely wasn’t the trend a couple of years ago. Don’t even get me started on a bunch of girls hugging and posing for close up snaps.

The men are not far behind. They seem to have their own brand of the Cho Chweet phenomena.  Here are a few.

 6.Posing on Bikes

Guys posing on bikes convey all but one meaning – not that they have an awesome sports bike, not that it is an Avenger like what Simbu rides in Hosanna, not that his wheely doing skills are top notch but as a showoff whose love for bikes overtakes his potential interest in girls. Beware ye girls, of guys, their bikes and their nasty habit of flaunting what they ride.

 5. Extended relations

Is his sister your wife? Is your mother his sister? Have you given your daughter to him in marriage? Then why call others Mama, Machan and Maapla?

4. Pierced ears and coloured hair

Go jump inside the Coovum if you think you can attract girls this way.

3. Yo-man poses

Face it; baggy T shirts do not suit you. Nor do the oversized coolers. Please don’t scare us girls with zoomed in photos of you looking like a poochandi.

 2. Muscle men

You needn’t wear tight vests alone and roam in front of us to show off your gym body. You cannot match our Surya any day.

 1. The Sports Maniac

Many would disagree with me, but a bright red Manchester United jersey or a bright yellow Chennai Super Kings tee is so uncool. Pains my eyes.

There are a hundred more things that characterizes the youth of today. A hundred things trademark of us. Take a moment to let us know these traits you love or loathe.

I am his big fan. His ability to do comedy on and off screen is very heartening. Of late, his comedy off screen has been extremely well received and talked about. Who else to have an imaginary interview with than our very own Vaigai Puyal Vadivel.  Hope this tête-à-tête has you in splits.

Sir, what do you wish to say about the outcome of the elections?

Naa apdiye shoke aaiten. Idhula edho ull naatu sadhi iruku!

En Sir, enna aachu?

Ellaarum adichaanga. Adhula oru pombala karate pazhagirupaa nu nenaikkuren. Andhaa dhadi mootu vechu ethinaa paarunga…

Neenga yen sir DMK ku first of all support paninga?

Election jeicha enaku panchu mittaiyum and Kuchi Ice um vaangi tharen naanga.

Asingama illa ungaluku?

But andha dealing enaku romba pudichurundhudhu

What is the reason for you staying with Mr. M. K. Alagiri at present?

Maapu, vechutangaya aapu.

What did you ask Mr. Alagiri regarding this?

En kitta irundha edhu da unna heavy ah like panna vechudhu nu keten.

What do you wish to say about this video?

Adhu vera vaai, idhu naara vaai.

What do you have to say regarding this picture of you doing the rounds in the internet?

Both DMK and the elections played the basketball in my life.

What do you think has brought you to this state?

Naa ready nu sonna odane, endha nerathula venalum attack pannunga. Adha naa epdi thadukarengaradha mattum parunga nu sonnen.  Endha oru vishayathayum plan panama panna ipdi dhaan. Plan panni pannanam. Okkk?

Could we expect the same behaviour from you for the next elections too?

This is drungen monkey style! It will repeat until Kalaingar comes to aatchi again!

What are your future projects? Can we expect to see you star in your very own production soon?

I am acting in my home production in 3 roles. The movie is called Lochak, Mochak, Pachak. I plan to release it at the same time as Raanaa. Raana vadhu gaanaa vadhu!

Sir, ipo unga sondha padam eduka mudila na what will you do?

Dubai la enodaya birathar Mark irukara. Avar kita aprasintha sendhupen.

When can we see you competing against Vijayakanth in the assembly elections?

Very soon. All plans are on for starting my very own katchi named Na.Ku.Mu.Ka. Naavaal Kuttichuvaraagum-makkal Munnetra Kazhagam. Kootani with DMK. Our chinnam is a medhu vadai. Here it is:

 

Erm alright. Now let us hold a mock poll as to who your vote would go to in the next general elections:

  • Na.Ku.Mu.Ka FTW!
  • Gaptun is the Captain!
  • Thaathaa
  • Aaathaa

Comment with your replies.

For all of you who have not followed the current pre and post election scenario, this video says it all.

Also, thanks to Aravind Chandrasekaran for helping me with this post.

Curiosity

May 16, 2011

He could not be called normal. One look at him and you could say that. Was it his longish hair? Or his pockmarked face? Or the fact that he always roamed alone? What was on his mind? What was he always contemplating about? Did he ever talk to anyone?

His parents were long dead. He lived with his Aunt. Nothing much to say about living with a 70 year old Aunt. She seldom talked too. Did they talk to each other? The neighbourhood wondered. Did she cook? Did he cook? Who did the laundry? Why did he not attend school? Why did the old lady never venture outside? Was there a conspiracy? Was he with the terrorists?

Word around was that they were black magicians. The old lady was a witch. She performed arcane rituals with the boy. They drank blood. They were cannibals.

Word around was that the old lady was not his Aunt. She was his grandfather’s mistress. His grandfather was a deceased Lieutenant. The boy was his daughter’s illegal offspring.

Word around was that the boy was on drugs. That explained his sunken eyes. That explained his want for isolation. The poor lady was said to be oblivious to the doings of her nephew.

Who were they? What was their source of income? Postmen never knocked their door. Maybe the old lady was rich beyond anyone else. Maybe the boy was her heir. Was there any way to measure or claim their wealth?

Then, the old lady died. As simply as I said. She died. The funeral was a lonely affair. The boy, the undertaker and the body. The funeral service lasted barely ten minutes.  The neighbours tsked as the boy entered the gates of his lonely home.

They watched as he shut himself in. And with it, all the answers to their questions.

A Vetti Post

May 13, 2011

I have mentioned this tangentially already. The range of usage of the word vetti is a pride to senthamizh. So wide its reach is that it would make our Kalaignar proud. Though it literally means “vain”, it is coupled amusingly with many words that bring out a different dimension to it. Here is a bunch of ways in which the word vetti makes my day.

It describes my state of being.

Like my Mom often admonishes, I am always vetti.  Vettiya computer ah thattindu irupaa ava, they say at my house if anyone asks of me. You guessed it, I am proud of being called vetti.

It describes the people I am jealous of.

Only I can be vetti ok. If someone out-performs me in something, what they do automatically becomes vetti velai.

And then there is Vetti Scene.

All scene is vetti scene. Partly because we do not like or approve of the scene party, the scene they put becomes to be called vetti.

Paavam, the animals.

I mean, vetti dog, vetti donkey, vetti erumai and other things we say when we want to wag our fingers at people’s faces.

To illustrate my point better, here are instances of vettiness that we come across everyday:

Sitting idle right in the morning waiting for coffee without asking for it comes under staying vetti.

Flicking your iphone once every 10 seconds right in the faces of people around you is putting vetti scene.

Calling your sibling a vetti erumai when they hog your TV time is using the word vetti to degrade a poor erumai.

I can go on and on about vetti examples to illustrate my vetti point in this vetti blog for you vetti people to read. Ha! There, I called you vetti.

Poor pranks apart, here is this vettiest thing I have seen. Just after the inception of a Tambrahmrage, there has been a peak in the levels of general vettiness with Gult Rage, Gujju Rage, Mallu Rage, Aamadmi Rage and so on. Damn you all, no one has started a Vettirage! Now that it is established that I am also vetti, the question may arise whether I cannot be the one to start Vettirage. Here is a very amateur, very mokka Vettirage comic drawn by low-funda-boy and me.

Dialogue courtesy : Dom Cobb in Inception

As it can be seen from the comic, I am very comically challenged. Readers are welcome to contribute to this rage. Use this to draw your comic. I will keep updating the post as the comics flow in.

I have to face it – I am getting famous. This blog is being read a lot. Thank you readers for that. The blog is also being liked a lot, which has taken me by surprise. To know that people read whatever I write and to think that my sense of mokka humour is appreciated flatters me.

Of late, many people are subscribing to this blog. This places me in a dilemma because my posts are wrought with errors. I never used to proofread before I post. Now I am extremely conscious – conscious of what I write and how I write it.

I would love your feedback on what I could write on. You can always mail me at ladyy.kedii@gmail.com. Yes, yes; the ID is nameologically and numerologically spelt. Also, after a lot of contemplation, I have joined twitter. My twitter handle is @LadyyKedii. You can follow me and tweet me your suggestions.

On a personal front, I feel my anonymity has been justified. Many of you know me very well. WordPress tells me that many of you google my identity. I like the mask I have created. I can assure you, I am a very normal girl to know and be friends with. I promise to keep you all entertained. Hope I have not disappointed you with my first personal post. Thanks for reading.

Mary Girls

May 3, 2011

All of us know of Peter payans. Peter’s feminine equivalent Mary is not that well known. Heck, it is not used at all in common lingo. I came to know of it when I was perusing a list of Madras Bashai words here. It triggered an urge to blog about Mary girls. I have been convent educated (that phrase used to make my Paati proud) for over 10 years. So I have all the authority to write about Mary girls who put scene, who use butler English, who are wannabe aapa-kaari’s and who want to marry rich. No wrong in any of the above. In fact, it’s a great source of amusement to observe their habits and to make fun of them. Continuing in that vein, here are Ten Commandments to become a Mary girl, for the sake of our female blog readers.

Commandment Ten

Thou shalt always have your hair stick straight or in artificial curls

The natural look is so passé. If you have inherent curls, straighten them and deprive them of their innate beauty. If you have straight silky hair that makes people go wow, declare your love for curls and go curl your hair. It’s a sin to have your hair not done.

Commandment Nine

Thou shalt not tie your hair

Blasphemy! Even if you do wear a ponytail, make sure there are stray strands falling all around your face. Your bangs should obstruct your vision. Your hair should never be cut even. Do not follow any kind of symmetry. It angers the gods.

Commandment Eight

Thou shalt carry a bag that resembles a sack

Remember Santa’s sack full of goodies? That is the kind of bag you should trudge along. And trudge it along with panache you should.

Commandment Seven

Thou shall rot in hell without Vaseline

Vaseline is your way to salvation. Your pouting lips should always be lip-balmed. Your skin should always be moisturized and toned and cleansed. A little tan or a little of flaky skin will land you right in hell.

Commandment Six

Thou shalt always smell like a cedar

Don’t be stingy with that deodorant. Follow it up with a body spray. Follow that up with an eau de toilette. And that should be followed by an eau de perfume.

Commandment Five

Thou shalt swear twice in every sentence you speak

Call every girl a bitch. Or a “biatch”. Address other women as females. Sprinkle the F-word generously amidst your phrases. Curse and admonish every time anything happens. That should be your way of life.

Commandment Four

Thou shalt colour your nails blue

Or green. Or bright purple. Or blood-red. Look like a witch. Behave like one too.

Commandment Three

Thou shalt dress like a gypsy

Wear beads. Lots of ‘em. Jingle and jangle as you move. Wear yellow framed coolers. Perch it up on your straightened and coloured hair. Pierce your ears four more times. My dad calls such species kuruvi kaari.

Commandment Two

Thou shalt sound as dumb as you possibly can be

Make everyone tell you things twice. Go “Oooh..” and “Aaah…” and “Sheesh!” and “Oopsie!” when you want to exclaim. Exhibit a lot of PDA’s. Cling to one and other and hold hands always. I know how this sounds…but this is really how it is!

Commandment One

Thou shalt marry rich

What is a Mary girl without her iPhone, or her pompous Yash Chopra type wedding? Strive to maintain your same standard of living by making others pay for you. That, my friend, is the true trait of a Mary girl.

With this post, Lady Kedi is going on vacations this summer. She’ll be back a little later. Meanwhile, wish her happy vacations and y’all have happy vacations too!